It’s my birthday.
I’ve been around for a third of a century.
Well… technically not quite, it would actually be in May to be truly a third of a century, but I digress.
I’m 33 today. Where has the time gone?
It’s been a minute since I last posted. If you’ve forgotten who I am, you can click here. For even more reminders you can check out my previous birthday post here.
If you’re here for something fitness related you can stop reading now. This post is a genuine attempt to explain where the heck I am in this crazy world.
Right now I’m sitting at my desk at home listening to the cold rain fall outside. Rain that will soon turn into ice and snow, rendering travel difficult at best and dangerous at worst.
I took a work assignment back at the end of July working at Watts Bar Nuclear Power Plant in the middle of freaking nowhere. My commute was about an hour each way. I was working 10 hour days. I left the house at 6 AM and didn’t return until usually around 8 PM.
That did include a trip to get my fitness on most days. Needless to say, that didn’t leave much time for anything else. Blogging was neglected along with most everything else.
I can’t blame my assignment solely for the lack of posts the past 8 months though.
I started taking anxiety medicine about a month before that assignment began. I call it anxiety medicine. Others call it depression medicine. In my case, I think they are one in the same.
I didn’t go on my annual vacation to my favorite place on earth. The sand and waves and freshest seafood didn’t rejuvenate me. That sucked.
Back to the meds… I definitely don’t feel as anxious anymore. And that’s good. But part of me thinks calming my mind has taken a little spark of life out of me. I don’t get excited about too many things now, and I mean that in a negative way. My passion has waned. This blog has suffered from that.
I still work out frequently, albeit maybe a little less. I’m still improving my times and weights, recently deadlifting 420 lbs and hitting my bodyweight clean. I still love CrossFit and can’t imagine doing anything else right now, but the honeymoon stage is over. I no longer desire to shout from the hilltops all the wonders of CrossFit. This blog has suffered from that.
In fact, I purchased the domain name chrismccune.com and who knows… maybe someday I’ll do something with that.
Because I still want to write. I still want to share my view of the world and help and inspire people. I want to continue this blog. But, sometimes I don’t want to write about CrossFit and that is what this space is. I can’t deviate from that. Star Wars would be whack if all the sudden the starship Enterprise showed up. Nope, can’t do it. Gotta stick to the script.
My life hasn’t been great for a while now. I acknowledge it and I do try to work on my situation, but I’m suffering setbacks.
In about a week I will probably be unemployed again. That’s causing some major anxiety and stress. Thank goodness for Xanax. But yeah, through no fault of my own, there just isn’t work for me to work on and work (lots of works, sorry) and that means I get the axe. Really sucks because my position was lined up for the career path I wanted for myself. Now bring on the stress of finding a new job. Ugh. Not looking forward to that.
If anyone wants to do something for me for my birthday, say a little prayer that I’ll keep my job.
I’m simply not in a good place right now with myself and I haven’t been for a while.
I’m sorry to put you through a post of me just going on about oh woe is me, but this helps. Thank you for reading.
Everything has suffered. My relationships have suffered. My fitness and health have suffered. My finances have suffered. This blog has suffered. Everything has suffered… people and things I love the most have suffered and that kills me.
I want to write here. I do feel bad to have just abandoned ifailedfran. This blog used to make me happy. I loved getting on here and sharing and reading your comment responses and interacting. But I can’t do it when I’m not whole. I can’t write when I’m not inspired and lately there are some days when I’m not inspired enough to even turn on the TV.
I am not going to commit to anything on here. Just know when I can write, I absolutely will write. Even if there is no one left around to read.
Have a drink for me today. I’ll be here sipping some hot chocolate. With Baileys, of course. Because… it’s my birthday.
First of all, Happy Birthday Chris!
And as for the rest, just focus on you right now and your health. Writing and blogging will always be there – crossfit if and when you need it will always be there. Your friends here will always be there for you – whether you be on everyday, once a week or once every few months.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, for your job and in general.
Sending lots of love J x
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Friday Favourites! Jan 22
Thanks so much Jen! Birthday went pretty well and I kept looking for you in the crowd while watching the Aussie Open. =)
Hey mate- A heavy post to read. I’ve been wondering where you’ve been and was excited to see this pop up on my reader.
I’m sorry to hear of everything you’ve been going through. I can only sympathise with what you’ve been and currently are dealing with but hoping there’s good things coming. Regardless of when you properly return to this neck of the woods, know you’ve got readers/friends/fans who appreciate anything you write.
Cheers!
I appreciate that more than you know Arman. Thanks buddy.
Happy Birthday. Have a cup of coffee with Bailey’s for me too. Ya know, since I can’t drink. While no comparison with what you are going through, I do miss my former life.
You’ve got lots of support when you’re ready. I’ll be crossing my fingers for you on the job front. I hope it all works out.
Thank you. I had a whole extra cup since I was drinking for two in your case. =)
Happy birthday, Chris!
I am sorry to hear you’re having a tough few months. It’s completely understandable that the job situation is tearing you down. It’s also normal that you don’t love everything in your life all the time as much as you used to love it. That doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love completely again after a phase of only lukewarm feelings though.
Better times are coming – I am rooting for you. And I can only second Jen, Arman and Meg. Whenever you are ready, you’ll have readers and support here or wherever you chose to move to.
Juli@1000lovelythings recently posted…On my Travel Bucket List
Very wise words Juli, thank you. Perhaps this is a phase.. Not one that will just come to pass but one I need to actively work on, with something much better coming after. I think I might be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope so at least!
We are always glad to hear from you! All the best, Chris. One day, even one hour at a time.
Thanks. Some days that’s how life must be taken.
Sorry to hear you’re going through tough times Chris. Life changes rapidly, constantly, and all we can try to do is keep our heads above water sometimes. CrossFit, while always a good outlet, is something that comes & goes too. There’s plenty of days when I’ve felt like I was losing interest or not progressing so “what’s the point?” But it’s also a big part of my life & sometimes you hang on to the things that are stable, that you can control – exercise, friends, family, health, etc. No, it’s not the most important thing in life – but it can be a familiar friend when times get tough. Just keep your head up & when you do decide to write, there will be many here to eat it up!
I went with a light beer (not quite Baileys & chocolate, but hey…it’s what i had close by) and by the way, for what it’s worth, because of your blog, your honest posts about life & lifting, you’ve moved me to finally get off my ass & start writing too.
So, hang in there…and thank you!
Dave recently posted…Running?
Thanks Dave and you’re right; gotta hold on to those stable things in life. Congrats for starting your blog and sharing yourself with the world!
Happy belated Birthday Chris.
I’m so sorry to hear about your job and the anxiety it is creating for you. This will be one of those blips in your life that you will look back on and think, ‘I’m glad I went thru that sh*t storm because I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t.’ Hang in there, deal day by day…it’ll get better, I promise.
Not sure how I’m just getting to read this post now, but Happy Belated Birthday! I hope it was great. Keep your head up and we will all be here waiting and thinking about you! Life gets hard sometimes and it’s okay (awesome, even) to acknowledge that. Just keep focusing on the things you CAN do to improve your circumstances and let go of what you can’t. Whether you write about CrossFit or not, this can be a a good outlet for you (even if you don’t always hit publish). Also, your honesty and openness is HUGE in the blogging world and can relate to so many people…not just CrossFitters. Keep on keepin on, friend!
Kim recently posted…SuperBowl Weekend Fun
Hi Chris, & happy belated birthday,
Diet and exercise are great for depression/anxiety as you probably know, but when they’re not enough, there is nothing wrong with getting some medical help to keep the ship afloat while you figure out how to get back to smooth sailing. Myself, I have a genetic predisposition to those conditions, and made my peace with a life that has daily meds.
A frequent symptom of depression is no longer having fun in things you previously enjoyed. In those cases it’s important to examine why you were doing them in the first place as objectively as you can. If there is some important goal they are a part of, then the answer is to keep doing them – even if (or especially if) you don’t feel the emotional motivation to do them. They are a part of your life that had value before your symptoms started, and keeping them going will help you recover.
Another thing I found incredibly helpful, but very challenging, was remaining engaged in my community. You have to realize that although when we are healthy, listening to our emotions is a useful way to decide what to do or not, allowing depression to dictate what you will do just deepens the spiral (because you don’t feel like/”have the energy to” do anything! For me, it was becoming a youth lacrosse coach. Lacrosse was a hugely important part of my early 20s, and I found that by “giving back” to it that I could find some purpose. This was enormously stressful – but totally a positive act, and it has been a key part of my recovery/remission.
I remember that when you started this blog you were aiming to become level 1 certified in Crossfit. That might be a goal worth dusting off and pursuing, especially with a between employment episode coming.
Good luck, and I’ll be checking in with IFailedFran whether you’re updating regularly or not.
-JW
John W. recently posted…02172016
Chris, I’m a little late to the game here, but just want to let you know that while I’ve missed reading your musings over the past months I hope and pray that you are able to find the peace and balance in your life that you need. Just remember this…do not give up, keep fighting…things have a funny way of working themselves out, you just have to stay the course and fight the good fight. If you ever decide to head down DFW, TX way, look me up and come join me for a little fitness. You’ve got a loyal base of readers that are in your corner and would be more than glad to lend a helping hand in whatever way possible.