“Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get your shit together, and try the whole “being awesome” thing – except try to actually do it this time.”
That quote is from a comment left on my last post by a reader named Rachel. In my very first blog post here, I said I was going to “be awesome”. Rachel, referencing that beginning post, called me out on not being awesome.
Rachel’s words cut through me to my core. What she said could not have been truer. I feel a connection to Rachel, like she knows me better than I know myself.
This post is for Rachel, wherever you are. And also, this post is for me.
I wrote a lot of shit in my last post. I’m not gonna lie, I had some Jack Daniel’s in me when I composed that. I said some things I didn’t mean. I said some things I did mean. It’s like I was in a fight – a fight with myself and a fight with others.
When we fight, we become like super power countries, each taking more and more extreme measures to counter the other… leading to their eventual nuclear weapon induced destruction. Sometimes countries will take action only to protect themselves and not as a declaration of war. I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to further arm up anymore. I want to strip down – naked if need be.
When we fight, sometimes we say things we don’t mean. Sometimes we say things we do mean too though. Sometimes the most truthful things are said in the middle of a fight or when we are upset. Sometimes those truthful things are bad and mean and ugly… but sometimes they are clean and wonderful and magical. For instance, “I don’t want my time with you to have been a waste” is a magnificently beautiful expression of love.
Yes, love. Love that I said I didn’t believe in and wasn’t real. Well, I was in the midst of some junk then. I said things I didn’t mean. I’ve said a lot of things I didn’t mean in the midst of fights lately. But let me say something truthful right now.
I am so in love with you and I want things to not only go back to the way they were but to be so much better than even our best days.
Not wanting time to be a waste reminds me of a song by The Script, For The First Time.
Oh, these times are hard
Yeah they’re making us crazy
Don’t give up on me baby
Beautiful. Times are hard and they have definitely made us crazy. Don’t give up on me baby.
Giving up would be the worst thing ever. Giving up would mean something was at its end. But this can’t be the end. In the end, everything is ok. If it isn’t ok then it isn’t the end.
In relationships, like Chicago said, “even lovers needs a holiday, far away, from each other.” True. I remember singing that song at the top of my lungs driving through North Carolina with someone I love. Sometimes you need time apart to remember you LOVE each other. Sometimes the other person will even tell you to leave them alone so they can come back to you. Because they always come back.
I mean, how could things not work when everything reminds you of them?
Trusting that person will make the right decisions is hard for me. I want to control things. I’m afraid that given the choice of me versus not me, someone would pick not me. I want someone to pick me! I want to be worth it for someone to invest in me.
Then there are outside influences. People that think they have your best interests in mind. People like friends or marriage counselors or family centers… but remember, no one knows the whole story except the people inside the story. The people living it. Something may be crazy to everyone else but to those involved… it is right and it was to work out and it cannot have been a waste.
They say you only hurt the ones you love. But I know I have truly hurt the ones I love. I have said “I love you” many times, yet my actions did not show this.
I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I want to make up for all the hurt I have caused.
And I’m ready to take all the necessary next steps. I’m ready to be awesome. Most things I can do on my own, but there are a few things I simply can’t. Things I’m not allowed to do. Things I need a sign to do, like a green light so my car can speed off. I’m praying for that green light while I work on the rest.
Does time heal all wounds? Mostly. Will time heal the wounds I have caused? Hopefully. I want nothing more than one last chance to make things work with the ones I love. The anxiety caused by not knowing if I’ll get that chance is ripping me apart.
But hey… that’s life isn’t it? Not knowing what will happen. I mean we all could wake up dead the next day and we have no control over that.
No control. That’s one of my toughest challenges – understanding that the more I try to control things, the worse off I am. I don’t have enough faith that things will work out if I don’t control them. But the more I try and control things, the more screwed up the situation becomes. I think my fear of giving up control and then it not working out overrides my sense of just letting life happen.
I wrote this: “Mortality is scary. We have such a short time on this earth. There is no time to waste.” Rachel wrote this: “You can’t have two lives. You only get one.” Yet again, she was correct.
I tried my hardest to put on a happy face and go on with life, rather than addressing and CORRECTING the problems and issues at hand. I was paralyzed by fear of making a change, so I didn’t make any decisions or changes. Because of this, all my decisions might have been made for me… and every single one of them for the negative.
Living two lives is torcher. I just want to live one life – mine – the right way and with the right people.
In her final words of wisdom, Rachel said, “You’re not a pathetic person – so stop acting like one.”
Ok. Messaged received, loud and clear. I shall stop acting like a pathetic person.
That includes here. No more whiny sob stories about woe is Chris on this blog. Every time I post something, I lose followers. Haha. I must be that off-putting right now. No more. I’m not going to be fake positive either – just not pathetic.
Sorry this post digressed into a personal post yet again. I needed to write. I don’t have a journal and there is something about typing and pressing publish that not only is freeing but also makes me kind of commit to my words. I know this post isn’t for the average reader and if you can forgive me for wasting your time, I promise not to do it anymore. In fact, I actually have some CrossFit-related posts almost ready to publish. Yay! =)
You live, you learn. I pray that as I live, life will give me the chance to learn from my mistakes… grant me that one more chance to get things right. I don’t want this time to have been a waste. It all happened for a reason.
Rachel commented on that post for a reason. I’m glad she did. She is a pretty wise person. I could use some more wisdom in my life. But then again, I need to gain that wisdom on my own. Until then…
I fail, I learn.
I live, I learn.